My name in Gitmo will be Achmad UBU Jihada

Just a quick story on my way out here to Las Vegas (where, today, I doubled my money playing Roulette. But thats another story). So I arrive at the airport way in advance, cause thats how I roll. First, I hate TSA. Not the people who work for them, just the mere idea of its existence. TSA has been in existence for over 30 years, but they did not and could not stop 9/11 from happening. And now we have even more annoying crap that we have to put up with, like this ban on fluids. WTF. It would take a serious amount of any liquid to do any damage to a plane, but I can't take my lil bottle of contact solution on the plane? Sheesh. Add to that dumbasses that really don't need to be flying. On the security table as we went in were all the things they had confiscated THAT DAY. Loads of crap, including, and I kid you not, a full jar of Mayo, Peanut Butter, and Jelly. I just stood there and tried to wrap my brain around the notion that people would want to make a sammich while flying across the country. Also, who doesn't know that you can't take that stuff? Where do they live? Under their trailer?

On top of idiots who shouldn't be flying, I had failed to get my drivers license renewed. This got me flagged for extra security. Now usually I get this anyway cause I'm, well, me. But this time it was cause I'm an idiot who can't remember to get my license renewed. So after I went through the metal detectors, they patted me down, then ran the lil wand over stuff to see if I had made any bombs lately. And my terrorist laptop set off the alarm. In that moment I had visions of me in Cuba, plotting with my other brothers in Jihad to find a way to martyrdom. Then his Jihadi Ipod buddy set off the alarms, and my head was filled with me being stripped searched on the way to Gitmo. So they ran both back through the xray machine, just to make sure I hadn't hardwired the hard drive into some kind of nuke.

Now, the bomb sniffing machine was set to pick up evidence of Nitrates, the building blocks to nitroglycerin, and in ginourmous amounts, how McVeigh blew up the Federal Building in Oklahoma City. What he used was Fertilizer, just like every farmer between Hobbs, and Lubbock, Texas does. The Saturday I drove to Lubbock the wind blew 40 mph with gusts up to 70 mph, filling the air with soil. And particles of Nitrates. So the TSA had been getting false positives all day because of the wind, including my laptop and Ipod. I was off the hook. No Gitmo for the UBUman. PHEW. I can't go to Islam Prison. I'm to Christian. In Every way.

So I finally got through security and flew to Vegas on a plane so full they were putting people in the overhead bins. They had been asking for volunteers to get off the plane,and normally I would have if A. I hadn't chose that flight to get into Vegas in time for Brunch (which was scrumptious); B. That I first had to fly to Houston, sit there for 4 hours, then fly on to Vegas. Um..no; and C. Didn't have tickets to Penn and Teller that night I would totally blow if I took that other flight. So instead I sat next to two old dudes who talked golf while I watched a movie on my Ipod.

Next...Brunch.